Making friends as a kid is so much easier than as a grownup. Now it requires a bigger effort, no matter if you´re living in your own country or somebody else’s. Although it´s not the first time we develop a social network from zero, it feels very unfamiliar and unnatural.

At home you were used to having at least a couple of relatives, friends and acquaintances to interact with on a regular basis. Believe it or not, but those people kept you healthy! Now you start with pretty much no contacts. You´re feeling ill, because you are…

Expat Community vs. Going Native

Where to start building up your new social network? Abroad there are basically two groups of people you can approach to make new friends: locals and fellow expatriates. It´s up to you how to divide your time and energy between those two groups of people.

There are many expatriates who find it difficult to not immerse themselves in the expat community. I wasn´t one of them. I was very focused on integrating into the new culture and I wasn´t interested in meeting other foreigners. I wanted to go native.

I had heard that expat communities are typically characterized by foreigners who are sent abroad by their company, earn really good money and receive anything they need for the house and the kids. They usually don´t know much about the culture around them and even less about the language.

Going native is something what independent migrants would do. They´re humble people who earn local salaries and have local friends. That was more my style:

I wanted to be part of the native group.
I wanted to improve my Spanish, not practice my English.
I wanted to be a well-integrated immigrant.

Local Friendships for your Integration

I guess my desire for integration has to a large extent to do with the high expectations we hold towards immigrants in my own country. In the Netherlands, we expect foreigners to learn the language perfectly and adapt to our customs and traditions as much as possible.

Moreover, adapting felt natural to me. In the living environment I grew up, my social life was limited to locals. It wasn´t until I left the country for travelling when I encountered people from other nations.

I associated groups of various nationalities with travelling. Since I was now living abroad and not traveling, this attitude strongly determined my approach for making friends in Mexico. Searching for local friendships seemed the right thing to do.

The local way wasn´t the easiest though: Although my Spanish was developing quickly, I didn´t feel very comfortable. On the contrary: I was jobless, I was just following my boyfriend over here, I had lost my identity, I felt like a nobody… but I wasn´t about to tell my new friends about my personal situation.

I didn´t think complaining about what I didn´t like about my new life and their country would be the greatest start for a new relationship. So how was I supposed to develop great friendships like this? Or even socialize?

Expat Friendships for your Well-Being

There was one important thing I had forgotten to take into consideration. Social contact has other purposes besides integration: I ignored the fact that it could be comforting to spend time with people who were going through, or who had gone through, the same things as I was.

The advantages of making local friends are the disadvantages of making international friends: you won´t be learning the language as fast and your integration within society goes more slowly. However, expat friendships can most certainly offer you the kind of emotional support that makes you feel healthy again

I was in fact looking for what I needed in the “wrong” group of people. While I was thinking way too practically, I forgot that there were probably a lot of people out there who would immediately be able to understand me, who could take away some of my loneliness and therefore boost my well-being.

Warmth, Appreciation, Comprehension

After I had made great friends with a handful of Mexicans, I unintendedly got in touch with a group of foreigners living in the city. I wanted to support a Spanish friend who had just moved here. She intuitively knew what to do – that what I had done wrong.

I have to admit that I discovered a fantastic world. I met a diverse group of male and female expats of a variety of ages from all over the world. Although we have different backgrounds and we all go through our own personal expatriate process – some just arrived, and others have been living here the majority of their lifetime – the similarities are more important:

We all have come from far and farther away to this same place on earth. For different reasons we are all searching our spot in this new culture and we all feel a bit like a stranger in the midst. We understand what it means to be a constant foreigner and therefore feel as one.

We help each other by not doing anything special but taking the effort to meet up, have a drink, and show interest in each other’s lives. And the greatest thing of all: Besides the desire for having contact with like-minded people, they all go native…

Locals vs. Expats? Find a Balance

I was biased and therefore didn´t even consider the expat/international club. That was a mistake. I think that the beginning phase of my stay abroad could have been much easier if I had searched for contact with other foreigners.

Often there are few other people in your surroundings who have taken a similar step in their lives. That means that you can´t share and compare your experiences except with your partner (assuming you relocated together). If you feel you´re missing this type of relationship, don´t hesitate to reach out for them.

You can benefit from both local and foreign friendships, it´s all about finding the right balance. Know what you need! I currently consider myself lucky with two safe groups of great people. It´s exactly what I needed, I just had to discover it.